You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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