Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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