i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I see more hoeing in ur future
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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