The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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