where am i from again
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
