Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
