i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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