i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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