Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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