While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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