it hurts more in the daytime
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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