I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
