bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
