Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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