i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Girls should come with a carfax report
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
