he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
