did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you have to choose: penises or morals?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
