can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Randomize
