sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize