okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
