new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He passed out mid-signature
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Randomize
