you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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