dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
