Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
