if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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