I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
