I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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