I'm eating all of the evidence.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
how drunk are you?
Several
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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