Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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