So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
