she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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