How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
