Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Randomize
