My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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