Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
