honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
