Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
