Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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