I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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