dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize