You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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