Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
