She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
