remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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