i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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