so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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