I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
