I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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