Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
