I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
