We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
