I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
