I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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