So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Randomize
