You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Also, beer. Big fan.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
