I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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