Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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