every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
