I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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