I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
