I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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